drinking every night, taking one booze, and another, and another, until my wallet gets burned.
i turned my back on this kind of life a long, long time ago.
but today, i'm tempted to try it again. to take just a little bit of that feeling again.
crazy.
but you see, im unstable right now-emotionally unstable.
i'm bored, i'm sad, and i just don't know how to make myself feel good at the moment.
and the worst part is, i don't know why.
how can i face my problem, if i don't know what to face.
i am not a negative person. i am cheerful, laughing eases so easily into my system.i am hopeful. but today, and the past four days, i am but the oxymoron of what i am-or perhaps, what i think i am.
i don't know what's the source of my sadness. of my being dry today.
i feel bored, and i want to do something new. i want to have a new job.
but which job to switch to is my biggest question.
i am at a cross road. can't decide which turn to take, left, right, move back, move forward, stop, halt, go, don't move.
i think i have grown old and matured just like my 10-year old car.
still running, but needs tune-up once in a while.
the radiator has to filled-in by some coolants, the timing belt has to be changed,
brake pads need some altering.
still running, but needs to improve.
exteriors are still ok, but interiors have to be tuned-up a bit.
what has happened to me, i don't know.
all i know, as of the moment, is i want to be still for a while, be alone with myself, and write a letter to God, containing these thoughts:
what i want:
- is to live independently and have my own space
- i want to perfect a new language, la francaise, and work in an international agency, an embassy
- i want to be involved in a work, where, you develop programs and systems that will make people's life convenient and efficient.
- i want to save up to travel (i'm eyeing japan in 2 years)
- i want to do something that will make my family proud of me
- i want to be financially secure and independent
- i want a work that will compliment my growth
- i want to learn automechanics
- i want to have my own business (which now, im kind of reflecting on it, if my the business im in, is right for me)
- i want to be fit
and i know, i have to take a hell lot of risks to be able to reach my wants.
and there are reasons why i can't do that because im afraid of things such as:
- the distance between me and my bf that my work will create- of not finding the right job for me
- of not being able to grow and improve, stuck up to where you started
- of not being able to look back and say that you were not able to achieve anything because i don't know what i want.
these things...i have to blog, because, i don't know who to tell. and i already know what my kind friends will tell me. and i don't want to burden them with such sad feelings.
i want to tell my bf, but, sometimes, i just can't. because, i don't want him to feel, that he has a sad girlfriend. and i think, it might be a turn off factor, because, im a girl who doesn't know what she wants.
but really, today, im down.
my workplace, has become, like a pill to me.
it ups me for a number of hours, but when its effect fades, im back to my thinking, puzzling,
kinda lost self again. i don't even have the appetite to eat lunch.
sigh.
what in heaven is happening to me?
1 comment:
Hi Chi. It seems like you really are bothered with the state of your relationship. When you told me that bit of info about his parents I was kinda surprised too. I can't imagine how you must feel. Well you really have to bring it up eventually. Question is are you prepared for the answer. I'm not sure if this is a "the truth will set you free" moment. But its better than waiting for things to happen diba? After all life is short.
Your posts this week are all blue ha? Mid-life crisis na yan. I wish the best though.
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