drinking every night, taking one booze, and another, and another, until my wallet gets burned.
i turned my back on this kind of life a long, long time ago.
but today, i'm tempted to try it again. to take just a little bit of that feeling again.
crazy.
but you see, im unstable right now-emotionally unstable.
i'm bored, i'm sad, and i just don't know how to make myself feel good at the moment.
and the worst part is, i don't know why.
how can i face my problem, if i don't know what to face.
i am not a negative person. i am cheerful, laughing eases so easily into my system.i am hopeful. but today, and the past four days, i am but the oxymoron of what i am-or perhaps, what i think i am.
i don't know what's the source of my sadness. of my being dry today.
i feel bored, and i want to do something new. i want to have a new job.
but which job to switch to is my biggest question.
i am at a cross road. can't decide which turn to take, left, right, move back, move forward, stop, halt, go, don't move.
i think i have grown old and matured just like my 10-year old car.
still running, but needs tune-up once in a while.
the radiator has to filled-in by some coolants, the timing belt has to be changed,
brake pads need some altering.
still running, but needs to improve.
exteriors are still ok, but interiors have to be tuned-up a bit.
what has happened to me, i don't know.
all i know, as of the moment, is i want to be still for a while, be alone with myself, and write a letter to God, containing these thoughts:
what i want:
- is to live independently and have my own space
- i want to perfect a new language, la francaise, and work in an international agency, an embassy
- i want to be involved in a work, where, you develop programs and systems that will make people's life convenient and efficient.
- i want to save up to travel (i'm eyeing japan in 2 years)
- i want to do something that will make my family proud of me
- i want to be financially secure and independent
- i want a work that will compliment my growth
- i want to learn automechanics
- i want to have my own business (which now, im kind of reflecting on it, if my the business im in, is right for me)
- i want to be fit
and i know, i have to take a hell lot of risks to be able to reach my wants.
and there are reasons why i can't do that because im afraid of things such as:
- the distance between me and my bf that my work will create- of not finding the right job for me
- of not being able to grow and improve, stuck up to where you started
- of not being able to look back and say that you were not able to achieve anything because i don't know what i want.
these things...i have to blog, because, i don't know who to tell. and i already know what my kind friends will tell me. and i don't want to burden them with such sad feelings.
i want to tell my bf, but, sometimes, i just can't. because, i don't want him to feel, that he has a sad girlfriend. and i think, it might be a turn off factor, because, im a girl who doesn't know what she wants.
but really, today, im down.
my workplace, has become, like a pill to me.
it ups me for a number of hours, but when its effect fades, im back to my thinking, puzzling,
kinda lost self again. i don't even have the appetite to eat lunch.
sigh.
what in heaven is happening to me?
